Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Hurt Too

 It's too late and here I sit with a glass of wine too many, a cold that lingers too long, and thoughts that won't go away and nothing left to do but write to just let it all get out.

I have struggled on creating a new blog because I feel like I am in this transition period that I cannot find a single title or subject matter that contains who I am.  I have never felt like I have so much to say but not a single person whom I can tell it all too... It's not that I don't feel I can be honest with people with who I am and all I can feel, or that I trying to be something I am not, but just I do not feel I have the words to express it all properly... To be a stranger to the world that surrounds me is a beautiful and scary thing right now but I am embracing it as this is not a curse but an adventure and quite possibly a gift.

A couple weekends ago, I was at a dinner party and three yummy martinis deep or more my phone beeped inside my clutch.  Waiting on my screen was a man I once knew and respected locked at the lips with another woman, the same man that I loved and planned on forever with, the man that I held the child of and sacrificed and risked all to have and the sender was a woman I once knew and held in great esteem.  I do not know why anyone would send such things and what the point of it would be...I could sit and write about how unaffected I was by all of this, that a knot never formed in my chest, that I didn't want to for the first moments go home and wad my cocktail dress I was so excited to wear in a corner of my bedroom, I would lie if I didn't say I  had to take a deep breathe and keep my chin up and hold back the tears and that maybe a few found their way to corners of my eyes.  I would lie if I didn't say the temptation to say all the things that I had at my fingertips didn't want to make their way back in a reply.... But I would also lie if I said or did anything in response.  Did that picture help lead to a couple more drinks a bit more quickly... perhaps.  But did that picture ruin my night?  Did that picture get me home any less then safe?  Did that picture break my morals and make me do something in retaliation or send a picture in return... no it didn't... and honestly the temptation to do so was never more then a fleeting thought.  I had these cruel thoughts of what I could say... the meanness on what I could say came to the tip of my tongue easily and the comparisons my friends and I gave were harsh and felt fitting and just to say.  But does that make me any better to voice them here, or to him, or to the woman who felt fit to send them, or would it make me just as angry, just as immature and just as cruel?  I am better than all of that and in the end it was an amazing feeling to have! 

I have learned through all of this as a whole that being a bigger person, being a stronger person, being a proud person, being an honest person is never the easy road but it is a better road and it is a sweeter road and it is paved in golden karma.  You will break down on that road, it will bring you to your knees, you will cry, you will hurt, you will feel broken by others hurtful actions and anger.  But on the high road someone whether it be God, angels, or the strength of friends will pick you up and they will lift your chin and life will continue on... and I promise all that is reading this that it is a sweeter road in the end.  Be strong my dear friends... The moments of hardship are only mere moments and once they have passed clarity will come and deeper strength.

If I could share my own self wisdom with anyone I would tell you to make a list of the last month, week, 3 months, six months, year... whatever you can handle.  Write down every thing you are proud of entirely in your actions, and write down everything you are not proud of in it's entirety of it's action or partially.  Next to each think how you can make sure that you will not do that again or on the positives how you can incorporate that behavior more in your everyday life in a small or large scale.  Give yourself tangible goals for the next day, week, month that incorporate those good behaviors and things that you will not do in that week.  Hold yourself accountable and become the person you want and can be, only you are holding yourself back from it and no excuses are okay from not being it.  Everyone must have integrity for the words they say and do, and if we can't hold ourselves to have integrity to our own promises, who can we keep promises and our word to?

In last words, this song has been playing on constant repeat in my life the last week ever since I heard it... I think it is absolutely beautiful and relate to the lyrics because I still hurt deeply... Enjoy!