Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Hurt Too

 It's too late and here I sit with a glass of wine too many, a cold that lingers too long, and thoughts that won't go away and nothing left to do but write to just let it all get out.

I have struggled on creating a new blog because I feel like I am in this transition period that I cannot find a single title or subject matter that contains who I am.  I have never felt like I have so much to say but not a single person whom I can tell it all too... It's not that I don't feel I can be honest with people with who I am and all I can feel, or that I trying to be something I am not, but just I do not feel I have the words to express it all properly... To be a stranger to the world that surrounds me is a beautiful and scary thing right now but I am embracing it as this is not a curse but an adventure and quite possibly a gift.

A couple weekends ago, I was at a dinner party and three yummy martinis deep or more my phone beeped inside my clutch.  Waiting on my screen was a man I once knew and respected locked at the lips with another woman, the same man that I loved and planned on forever with, the man that I held the child of and sacrificed and risked all to have and the sender was a woman I once knew and held in great esteem.  I do not know why anyone would send such things and what the point of it would be...I could sit and write about how unaffected I was by all of this, that a knot never formed in my chest, that I didn't want to for the first moments go home and wad my cocktail dress I was so excited to wear in a corner of my bedroom, I would lie if I didn't say I  had to take a deep breathe and keep my chin up and hold back the tears and that maybe a few found their way to corners of my eyes.  I would lie if I didn't say the temptation to say all the things that I had at my fingertips didn't want to make their way back in a reply.... But I would also lie if I said or did anything in response.  Did that picture help lead to a couple more drinks a bit more quickly... perhaps.  But did that picture ruin my night?  Did that picture get me home any less then safe?  Did that picture break my morals and make me do something in retaliation or send a picture in return... no it didn't... and honestly the temptation to do so was never more then a fleeting thought.  I had these cruel thoughts of what I could say... the meanness on what I could say came to the tip of my tongue easily and the comparisons my friends and I gave were harsh and felt fitting and just to say.  But does that make me any better to voice them here, or to him, or to the woman who felt fit to send them, or would it make me just as angry, just as immature and just as cruel?  I am better than all of that and in the end it was an amazing feeling to have! 

I have learned through all of this as a whole that being a bigger person, being a stronger person, being a proud person, being an honest person is never the easy road but it is a better road and it is a sweeter road and it is paved in golden karma.  You will break down on that road, it will bring you to your knees, you will cry, you will hurt, you will feel broken by others hurtful actions and anger.  But on the high road someone whether it be God, angels, or the strength of friends will pick you up and they will lift your chin and life will continue on... and I promise all that is reading this that it is a sweeter road in the end.  Be strong my dear friends... The moments of hardship are only mere moments and once they have passed clarity will come and deeper strength.

If I could share my own self wisdom with anyone I would tell you to make a list of the last month, week, 3 months, six months, year... whatever you can handle.  Write down every thing you are proud of entirely in your actions, and write down everything you are not proud of in it's entirety of it's action or partially.  Next to each think how you can make sure that you will not do that again or on the positives how you can incorporate that behavior more in your everyday life in a small or large scale.  Give yourself tangible goals for the next day, week, month that incorporate those good behaviors and things that you will not do in that week.  Hold yourself accountable and become the person you want and can be, only you are holding yourself back from it and no excuses are okay from not being it.  Everyone must have integrity for the words they say and do, and if we can't hold ourselves to have integrity to our own promises, who can we keep promises and our word to?

In last words, this song has been playing on constant repeat in my life the last week ever since I heard it... I think it is absolutely beautiful and relate to the lyrics because I still hurt deeply... Enjoy!    

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sometimes you just have to remember the Sea Turtles...

This is long overdue.  I know for many of you this news you are about to read is already known in the facts at least and for some the personal emotion and feeling of this is already known as well, but for some of you this is all new, but more then anything I feel the need to write it, as for me with writing, I find closure.  I wrote this blog so that everyone could be up to date on everything with the baby and I if they decided they wanted to be and I didn’t keep up my end of that bargain.  I don’t have any excuse for not doing that other then I was waiting, waiting for a lot of things and I am just done waiting and just need to put closure on.  My hope when I created this blog is that it could have be Sweden in a sense and where someone could be a part of this process even if life or decisions chose them to not be a part of the process physically.  I was hoping that perhaps this blog could be the olive branch that could unite two families for the child.  But this blog no longer serves this purpose but I believe in my heart if situations had turned to be different it could have been.  So now this blog entry is for me, for healing, for closure, for typing out all the feelings that I felt and maybe didn’t say.  This blog entry is for you to read so you can finally know.  This blog entry is for my childs father and any family and friends he may have shared it with.  This is for all the people that it wasn’t shared with.  This is a beautiful story with a tragic ending.  This is not the end of my book but it does end a chapter. 

Her name was going to be Violet.  I was convinced that she was a girl from the beginning.  But if for some reason I was wrong I was going to name him Winter or Wynter.  I loved the name Winter/Wynter for so many reasons.  I learned about his presence on Christmas.  That the Winter season the previous year was the best of Ryan and I and the memories of which will always be cherished.  I wanted our son to be named after a time where the two of us were both people I can be proud of and together a couple with a love that nothing or no one could come between.  I wanted a name that no matter how hard things became between Ryan and I or how hard life as a single parent became I could remember that my son was named after the good of Ryan and us, that I have to remember and hold on to the good that their father was for our son’s sake.  Violet on the otherhand has always beloved name for a daughter.  Sarah means Princess in Hebrew and purple is the color of Royalty and my favorite color.  I believe my world could never have to much purple, and my new world would never have enough Violet.  She was going to be royalty, she was a named a name that would always make me smile, she would bloom wherever she was planted.  But most of all Ryan sent me purple flowers many a times in our relationship, the last were the purple flowers in a beautiful purple vase that got us back together and led later to her creation.  A many a promise was made on those last flowers and so many confessions of love on the flowers before.  She could always know that she was created on the love sent by dozens of violet colored flowers.  That the color violet is woven into many places in our love story until it created an actual Violet flower…

There were days when life seemed so incredibly scary.  There were days where tears would escape and find their way to my cheeks, but in those moments I always had my friends, my family and prayer to turn to and that support was all I ever needed to find my peace and strength.  Never once was there more tears then just a feeling of peace about everything and though this path was unplanned and unchosen there was much happiness I felt about having this child.  I will never know why I became pregnant, well I know how of course as I have gotten the lesson in the birds and bees.  But why I was chosen by to be blessed with a child that by science or at least my daily birth control pills said I would not have.  This is something that I will not fully know for many years to come I expect or may not understand or know fully until I get to the pearly gates someday and the good Lord explains it all to me.  But I do believe just as strongly as I did Christmas Day that all of this and this baby was put in my life and Ryan’s I believe as well for a reason, a higher purpose, and I just needed to have faith and strength just like I still need to now. 

My pregnancy was an absolutely beautiful time and memory in my life and taught and showed me things that changed my life and it’s course forever and drastically.  The moments I would lie in bed which were often because frankly I never knew I could become so completely exhausted, I felt true peace when I would lay there with my hands on my belly and I would talk with the baby.  I never felt the need to speak out loud as our bodies were always one.  My ultrasounds taught me what happiness, love and miracles were, because the feeling of life being created inside you is a miracle that cannot be described.  Hearing the baby’s heartbeat, watching the baby move across the plasma screen mounted to the wall knowing that my body, that Ryan and I in a moment of love created that put me in complete awe.  From the moment I first saw my child I fell in love.  I promised that baby that day that I would do anything to keep her safe and a promise I did my best to keep.  That we were going to be okay, that I would make sure of it no matter what happened.  Knowing that child I was seeing on that screen that day was depending on me and only me to make the right decisions for her and for us now and forever.  The baby showed me an inner strength that I had been on the verge of forgetting I had.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I read everything that I could get my hands on about babies and pregnancy.  I was scared as I believe every new mother is but I was stubborn enough to know I could do everything right if I just learned enough, and giving myself full credit, I did do everything right from that moment on Christmas on.  I ate organic, traded my wine in for non alcoholic versions which I am still convinced is over priced grape juice in a wine bottle, never had another drop of caffeine no matter how many times I was told that I could have it, I ate my meat well done through a grimaced face for the greater good.  Each day I dialed more calls, feverently sold more clients, and learned this ability to save literally thousands of dollars each month.  From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I made the decisions that were best for me and the baby inside me that was counting on me. 

But what I cherish the most are the nights writing letter to the baby.  I would pick an exact birthday, sometimes a special date and a year and I would write to my unborn child to someday open on that day in the future.  Some letters I wrote I told my child about something I wish I had known when I was that age, others were funny stories of things I did when I was that age, others about my hopes and dreams for them.  I also told the story of Ryan and I throughout the letters and wrote every single positive thing I could about him, his family, his friends… I wrote about Ryan’s strengths and all that had led me to fall in love with him and hold onto through all the time we had together and through all the hardship.  I wrote about all the funny, the sweet, the adventures we had together…I remember laughing through the story about how I was scared of the sea turtles and how I held his hand so tight all the while holding onto a swim noodle because I was too scared to even go out there without it, that when the sea turtle came my way I had a total freak out in flippers and scared the poor turtle, and Ryan could not stop laughing afterwards, told me that it was the same as being scared of a Care Bear.  It was stories like this that I wanted our child to relive.   It was important to me to tell the tale and speak of all the beauty while I still could, still remembered it and tell the tale with love in my heart.  I feared that life may soon become such that I may not be able to tell the story as beautifully, that positives may soon be so heavily outweighed by ugliness and that the beauty that was once there could be forgotten and never told.  I didn’t know if my child would ever have a father or that part of his family but I gave the gift that I would have cherished having had I been given these same stories of my father who was never there to show and tell them himself to me.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow and I wanted to make sure that if anything ever happened to me, that my child be shown to see the beauty in all of life, to persevere through hardships, to love not hate or have anger, and to know that they were so very loved and wanted from that first moment on Christmas learning of their existence on.  I wanted to give my child a moral compass that would help lead them through life.  I wanted to make sure that their compass was given the knowledge that no matter where their path takes them that forgiveness, Integrity, Love and Perseverance will always be the North, South, East and West guiding them down the right path.  That if they ever find themselves lost in the darkness that to hold onto these for direction and they will always find themselves back into to the light.  

My plan was to have all of the people closest to Ryan and I write our child a letter or letters in the same fashion.  I was going to ask them to pick a memory of Ryan, us together, a memory or story of their own, advice, whatever it is they wished to write to the child..  All I asked is the letter be sealed and the day in which the letter to be opened to be written on the envelope and that letter would be given to them on that date to open and read.  It takes a village to raise a child and I wanted everyone to know they will forever be a part of that village raising my child, our child, now and in the future, no matter what happened.  '

But then one day I went in for an ultrasound.  It wasn’t even a scheduled ultrasound.  But I was booked for an extra accidentally and they decided to let me just get an extra peep at the baby even though I just had one about a week beforehand.  I was so excited and was just giddy at the office about seeing my baby again.  I had brought in a CD and was going to have them tape the ultrasound so at some point it might be able to be shared with Ryan or his parents so they could see the baby just as I do, I was constantly searching for wood to build that bridge.  Everything was wonderful then I noticed the heartbeat it seemed low, I started asking questions feverently, then I saw the ultrasound tech’s face and heard her say, “ohh God no” and then a nurse came in then my doctor, then another doctor, and another nurse they were all probing around my stomache, ordering tests, looking at me with worried, apologetic and sad eyes.  I was crying, praying, rattling off a hundred questions.  The baby was in distress and it didn’t look good.  After that there was what seemed like a million tests and everything was being done that could be done to try to save the baby.  I was home on bed rest and spent that week doing nothing but praying and begging God not to do this.  I was scared to move, I was scared to do anything and lose my baby.  The doctor spoke to me about moving forward with options to help optimize my health that I refused to do and still refuse to speak about.  Then when all had been done that could possibly be done, and all hope had vanished and the baby was not able to be saved and passed away inside my womb I learned what grief was.  I had my final moments with my unborn child still inside me and said my goodbyes.  I promised my baby that when I saw her next that I wouldn’t have it like this, that I would make changes in my life so that when she came back my current fears of trying to protect her from the ugliness and anger would no longer be next time, that I loved her and that she had been wanted no matter how scary the situation had been, that she had been loved in a way that outdid any love I had ever felt before. 

Due to how far along I was with the baby, I was now past my first trimester, past that point where things like this were supposed to happen or be feared.  I was brought in for my final surgery for the baby where I was put asleep and put into simulated labor and my baby removed from me.  Due to my illness and the time that had passed with the baby being ill and my body not doing well from any of it my uterus was completely infected, they then went and scraped and tried to remove as much as they could of that infection.  I was then put on bed rest once again where I was on medicine to shrink back my uterus, fight the infection, and build back the lining in my uterus.  This time did not go optimally and I was in a lot of pain and since that point have gone on multiple treatments to try to get my uterus back to health and not continuing to become infected.  The doctors and specialists have confirmed that what happened to my baby is not likely to happen again and that my ability to have a child safely and healthy again is high.  The baby could have been put into distress or hurt in some way at a point in my second month of pregnancy that could have led to this or that this was only some rare thing that happened for a reason they would never know.  There is no way of confirming that this suspicion of doctors to be correct, and I refuse to sit and pass blame or live in anger.  Instead all there is to do is to forgive, and keep true to my last promise made to my dead child. 

Since losing the baby I have made a lot of changes in my life.  I moved to Eastlake and got my own little single bachelorette pad right by the water and houseboats.  It’s a cute one bedroom and somewhere I love coming home to.  I made the decision to let go of the past fully and not deal with any possible negativity by getting any of my old things for my new solo home.  The universe had been kind to me, and Zillow and Yahoo had partnered together.  This partnership led me to have the best month in my history with the company and I made about 5-6,000 dollars more then what I would normally in commissions.  It allowed me the opportunity to be able to furnish my new home without worry and find myself and my own opinions in taste separate from anyone else’s opinion.  I still live in a very empty home as I decided to get most of my furniture custom made from antique French Provincial antiques that have been redone and glammed up to modern looking and beachy looking pieces.  My design style I have decided is girly glam meets beach cottage with a little shabby chic mixed in for fun!  I am most excited for my dining room table to be done which is having the chairs upholstered in the bedding that I had lovingly bought for Ryan and my home and bed together.  It is the piece of the past that I want to always look back on and not forget.  During my feverent dialing and selling at work I won a sales contest that got me a $5,000 travel voucher to be used on any trip, anywhere in the world, anytime I chose.  I still don’t know where I am going to go, who I am going to go with or when.  But Fiji, Central America (there is a resort in Costa Rica that you stay in Tree Houses in the jungle for example), and lots of South America including Rio and Argentina have caught my attention.  I feel very blessed for this opportunity and excitement of knowing that I get to check off a to do list item for free I am incredibly thankful for! 

Last week, I brought home a new little kitten named Basil who is the light of my days!  She is small enough to fit in one hand and has enough personality to fill the entire house!  I never knew that this little fur ball could bring me so much joy, laughter and smiles!  It goes without saying that she is spoiled rotten and we are waiting for her Litter Robot to come in still and her floor to ceiling kitty jungle gym. 

I have been living life at the moment lately and trying to live as if each day could be my last.  I have met a lot of new people over the course of the last month and a half and know that I have friends for a lifetime from them.  I was lucky to get invited to go on a San Juan Yacht trip by my friend Michael at the end of April with five other friends on his Yacht and two more yachts of people as well.  Then in mid May I am going to San Francisco to Bay to Breakers and Tiburon Wine Festival with about 30 friends   

But I guess the point of this and talking of my life now post baby, is that yes, it is wonderful and God, the universe has been kind to me and I believe that is because of the choices I made with the baby.  I followed my moral compass not because abortion would have been wrong but I followed the path I knew I was supposed to take.  I made right by what was right for me, my child and my body.  But even now knowing that my life of going out and traveling wouldn’t currently be happening I still would make the same choice to have this baby.  The loss of my child will never be seen in my eyes as a blessing.  If I could right now still be having this baby in a few short months I would.  My baby would be due at the beginning of August, a fact that still brings a lump to my throat everytime I think of it. 

If I could share any type of advice to anyone out there reading this after everything I have gone through with this child, much of which will never see the pages of this blog.  I would tell you to forgive, life is so short, and if you walk through life with anger and resentment you don’t have your full heart open for everything beautiful.  I didn’t spend my pregnancy angry for the cards I been dealt or angry at anyone for what they have done.  You can never control anyone’s choices or behaviors you can never count on anyone to be the person they should be, you can only hope for them to be that person and if they aren’t that person you can only pray for them, and pray they find their moral compass and path soon.  So instead focus on who you should be, who you want to be, and be a person you are proud to be and if you aren't that person now, become that person.  

I want to thank everyone who has been there with me through this journey.  I love you all!  For others know that I have long since forgiven you, and still love you as well… but just in everything in life it has evolved and changed with the times that have happened. 

I will post on here from time to time as I will be starting a new personal blog that is more public in its subject matter for everyone to read… I promise to have this up and running and posted for you all to see in the next 3 weeks. 

Love always,


Saturday, January 22, 2011

Tears and Prayers

I said in my first post that I was going to open the door to my life, this experience and share it with all of you.  Sometimes when we say things we don't know the depth of the promises we are making, but how can we when we know nothing about what the next days will bring.

Times have been difficult, heart breaking, and I struggle to understand why these things that have come to light recently are happening.  I am not at a point to actually verbalize the truths of this situation and the choice I had to make.  I can say that the overwhelming support and love that all of you have shown to this baby and to myself means the world to both of us.

As some of you know, the baby and I have been in and out of doctor and hospital visits since Wednesday, during this time I have not worked, left the house other then for medical appointments, and done much other then cry, pray and sleep.

I was hoping to write more, but this is all I can do at this point.  I will try to update more this weekend.  Please know how much I love all of you and I feel so incredibly blessed to have you all in my life.  I have learned in very difficult lessons over the past month that the hardest times in life show a person's true colors and love.  I have seen a lot of colors from people and I must say most are incredibly beautiful.

"Mommy in Stilettos" aka Sarah

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

God? Is that You?

Wow, I have a blog.  I can barely believe this is real and I am about to tell my story for family, friends, and strangers.  They say pictures are a window to the soul (they say that right or is that pregnancy dumb kicking in..) well if it is true, then a blog is a front door.  I am going to try to do my best to keep that door unlocked and let you all experience this journey with me.  All I ask is everyone be on your best manners and be kind to your hostess, me.  Life is hard, life unplanned is scary, but life all the same is a miracle, let us rejoice in all the beauty.

Where it all began, December 24th, 2010:
Christmas Eve I went out for a night of drinks, dinner and entertainment at the Burlesque Nutcracker with my roommate Victoria (Seattle's Living Barbie.)  It was an amazing night and the show was incredible.  I was extremely distracted as I was texting my boyfriend throughout the show and evening.  The holidays have been hard on us this year and have been a test of strength, respect, and just what the hell to do with the situation... tests we both have failed and passed at differing times.  We got done with the show (did I mention how incredible it was) and took much needed photos on stage, with Burlesque Dancers, and posing on the couches in the bathroom (highly necessary.)  I had bought a new little red cocktail dress that hugged all my curves and was very peeved about this pooch I was starting to have that was never there before and didn't seem to be budging no matter how much I decreased my salt intake and food consumption.

After our evening in Seattle we got back to our condo only be joined for a couple girlfriends, where we jumped into self created Christmas outfits made up of odds and ends and pieces of our Santa-Con outfits and spent the night laughing, drinking (at least I am being honest) and created a Facebook photo album labeled, "Red And Green Can Kiss My A$$, Blonde and Brunette Is The Only Way To Say Christmas!"  I think the album title says it all, I was so incredibly sad for the next day but it was masked and packaged with a jaded sarcastic bow.  As the next day, I was going to be without any family, my boyfriend, or plans and worst yet, my parents gifts hadn't arrived yet so with no presents or tree to top it off.  I went to bed in the wee hours that night/morning but not before I had a alcohol fueled conversation with the man upstairs.  I told God that I didn't know what he wanted from me any longer, and I prayed that night like I had for an entire week, for a sign of what I supposed to do, that I know it was selfish but I wanted the next day to be special and memorable and I wanted a Christmas.

*That Christmas Eve night I had the most peaceful night of sleep*

Christmas Day, December 25th 2010:
I woke startled, then I tried to shake it off, I tried to pretend that I didn't really dream what I had but there it was vivid playing like a bad YouTube video that you can't stop watching.  The rest is a bit of a blur... I woke up Victoria or she was already awake and was blabbering away about this crazy dream then I unwrapped presents from her trying to concentrate but not then she left for her parents.  I was left with nothing but these crazy dream memories.

The Dream:
Mary was in a stable with baby Jesus in a manger, there were angels like the ones you would imagine in a storybook not like on Halloween in Belltown, and there I was obviously pregnant. Mary and the Angels were telling me in the most soothing beautiful voices and words to be calm, that everything was okay, that this was meant to be.  I have never felt so loved, comfortable, soothed and at ease.  I was happy and at peace and filled with so much hope and love with the situation.  It wasn't as if I believed them but like I knew it to be true.  The craziest part about it, was I didn't wake with shock and fear, that came after, I woke up with peace.  The humor in all of this as there was a moment in my dream, where I remember saying/thinking well at least I won't be in a stable and my baby won't be in a manger... a thought I still think about when I struggle for positivity. 

It took me till about 4:00 to go on a mission to find somewhere open to buy a pregnancy test.  Some TMI info is that I was on birth control, expensive birth control that I took religiously as getting pregnant was the last thing I desired for my life as my fabulous and my career were my top priorities at the time (still are just Fabulous has turned into just Fabulous Mommy.)  Even more gory detail is my birth control allows me to not to have periods, something I hadn't had for months and wouldn't have for many more months.  I had no reason to believe I was pregnant, 99.9% means round up to "you are never getting pregnant" well at least it did in my head.  I knew during that drive to the store I was pregnant, I knew it all day, I just refused to believe it.  No matter how loud I turned my music up I couldn't drown out that voice.  I got home and with Victoria with me, I had the most pivotal tinkle experience of my life.  I peed on a stick,  and then in that wait for one line or two I begged, I pleaded, I reasoned with upstairs silently in my head all the reason my sales savvy self could come up with to not have two pink lines show up (which trust me was many and I made a good case for one line to show.)  HE didn't listen, and six minutes later there were definitely two lines not one.  I am pretty sure I screamed, I remember faintly being on the floor as my legs could no longer support me, and I remember crying hysterically.  I remember seeing the shock on Victoria's face and the immediate thought of if this is what her face looks like, then what will Ryan's.... I wouldn't be able to speak to Ryan till the next evening.  The wait was hard but looking back it never made a difference.  I have always been Pro-Choice, strongly Pro-Choice, to the point I have brought the movie, "If the Walls Could Talk" to girl nights, multiple times.  I just never had my choice tested, I always thought my responsibility would never put me up to that choice.  There was never a moment from that first sight of two lines on a pee stick on Christmas to now January 18th that I thought I would have an abortion.  The Angels, Mary, Jesus in a manger... God put on the theatrics in a grand way that he knew would not be able to be ignored, he made his point and I listened.  I was going to be a Mommy in Stilettos...