Saturday, January 22, 2011

Tears and Prayers

I said in my first post that I was going to open the door to my life, this experience and share it with all of you.  Sometimes when we say things we don't know the depth of the promises we are making, but how can we when we know nothing about what the next days will bring.

Times have been difficult, heart breaking, and I struggle to understand why these things that have come to light recently are happening.  I am not at a point to actually verbalize the truths of this situation and the choice I had to make.  I can say that the overwhelming support and love that all of you have shown to this baby and to myself means the world to both of us.

As some of you know, the baby and I have been in and out of doctor and hospital visits since Wednesday, during this time I have not worked, left the house other then for medical appointments, and done much other then cry, pray and sleep.

I was hoping to write more, but this is all I can do at this point.  I will try to update more this weekend.  Please know how much I love all of you and I feel so incredibly blessed to have you all in my life.  I have learned in very difficult lessons over the past month that the hardest times in life show a person's true colors and love.  I have seen a lot of colors from people and I must say most are incredibly beautiful.

"Mommy in Stilettos" aka Sarah

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

God? Is that You?

Wow, I have a blog.  I can barely believe this is real and I am about to tell my story for family, friends, and strangers.  They say pictures are a window to the soul (they say that right or is that pregnancy dumb kicking in..) well if it is true, then a blog is a front door.  I am going to try to do my best to keep that door unlocked and let you all experience this journey with me.  All I ask is everyone be on your best manners and be kind to your hostess, me.  Life is hard, life unplanned is scary, but life all the same is a miracle, let us rejoice in all the beauty.

Where it all began, December 24th, 2010:
Christmas Eve I went out for a night of drinks, dinner and entertainment at the Burlesque Nutcracker with my roommate Victoria (Seattle's Living Barbie.)  It was an amazing night and the show was incredible.  I was extremely distracted as I was texting my boyfriend throughout the show and evening.  The holidays have been hard on us this year and have been a test of strength, respect, and just what the hell to do with the situation... tests we both have failed and passed at differing times.  We got done with the show (did I mention how incredible it was) and took much needed photos on stage, with Burlesque Dancers, and posing on the couches in the bathroom (highly necessary.)  I had bought a new little red cocktail dress that hugged all my curves and was very peeved about this pooch I was starting to have that was never there before and didn't seem to be budging no matter how much I decreased my salt intake and food consumption.

After our evening in Seattle we got back to our condo only be joined for a couple girlfriends, where we jumped into self created Christmas outfits made up of odds and ends and pieces of our Santa-Con outfits and spent the night laughing, drinking (at least I am being honest) and created a Facebook photo album labeled, "Red And Green Can Kiss My A$$, Blonde and Brunette Is The Only Way To Say Christmas!"  I think the album title says it all, I was so incredibly sad for the next day but it was masked and packaged with a jaded sarcastic bow.  As the next day, I was going to be without any family, my boyfriend, or plans and worst yet, my parents gifts hadn't arrived yet so with no presents or tree to top it off.  I went to bed in the wee hours that night/morning but not before I had a alcohol fueled conversation with the man upstairs.  I told God that I didn't know what he wanted from me any longer, and I prayed that night like I had for an entire week, for a sign of what I supposed to do, that I know it was selfish but I wanted the next day to be special and memorable and I wanted a Christmas.

*That Christmas Eve night I had the most peaceful night of sleep*

Christmas Day, December 25th 2010:
I woke startled, then I tried to shake it off, I tried to pretend that I didn't really dream what I had but there it was vivid playing like a bad YouTube video that you can't stop watching.  The rest is a bit of a blur... I woke up Victoria or she was already awake and was blabbering away about this crazy dream then I unwrapped presents from her trying to concentrate but not then she left for her parents.  I was left with nothing but these crazy dream memories.

The Dream:
Mary was in a stable with baby Jesus in a manger, there were angels like the ones you would imagine in a storybook not like on Halloween in Belltown, and there I was obviously pregnant. Mary and the Angels were telling me in the most soothing beautiful voices and words to be calm, that everything was okay, that this was meant to be.  I have never felt so loved, comfortable, soothed and at ease.  I was happy and at peace and filled with so much hope and love with the situation.  It wasn't as if I believed them but like I knew it to be true.  The craziest part about it, was I didn't wake with shock and fear, that came after, I woke up with peace.  The humor in all of this as there was a moment in my dream, where I remember saying/thinking well at least I won't be in a stable and my baby won't be in a manger... a thought I still think about when I struggle for positivity. 

It took me till about 4:00 to go on a mission to find somewhere open to buy a pregnancy test.  Some TMI info is that I was on birth control, expensive birth control that I took religiously as getting pregnant was the last thing I desired for my life as my fabulous and my career were my top priorities at the time (still are just Fabulous has turned into just Fabulous Mommy.)  Even more gory detail is my birth control allows me to not to have periods, something I hadn't had for months and wouldn't have for many more months.  I had no reason to believe I was pregnant, 99.9% means round up to "you are never getting pregnant" well at least it did in my head.  I knew during that drive to the store I was pregnant, I knew it all day, I just refused to believe it.  No matter how loud I turned my music up I couldn't drown out that voice.  I got home and with Victoria with me, I had the most pivotal tinkle experience of my life.  I peed on a stick,  and then in that wait for one line or two I begged, I pleaded, I reasoned with upstairs silently in my head all the reason my sales savvy self could come up with to not have two pink lines show up (which trust me was many and I made a good case for one line to show.)  HE didn't listen, and six minutes later there were definitely two lines not one.  I am pretty sure I screamed, I remember faintly being on the floor as my legs could no longer support me, and I remember crying hysterically.  I remember seeing the shock on Victoria's face and the immediate thought of if this is what her face looks like, then what will Ryan's.... I wouldn't be able to speak to Ryan till the next evening.  The wait was hard but looking back it never made a difference.  I have always been Pro-Choice, strongly Pro-Choice, to the point I have brought the movie, "If the Walls Could Talk" to girl nights, multiple times.  I just never had my choice tested, I always thought my responsibility would never put me up to that choice.  There was never a moment from that first sight of two lines on a pee stick on Christmas to now January 18th that I thought I would have an abortion.  The Angels, Mary, Jesus in a manger... God put on the theatrics in a grand way that he knew would not be able to be ignored, he made his point and I listened.  I was going to be a Mommy in Stilettos...